15 Red Flags that Your Man is a Cheating Scumbag

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Warning: this is a humorous post. Not suitable for the faints of heart.

It is a fast-paced world we live in now and committing to a new Netflix series is a big decision, let alone a phone plan or a life partner. However many people are still hung up on the cliché pedaled by romance novels and 90’s teen movies, the fantasy of being swept off your feet in a grand romance followed by a happily ever after.

Unfortunately, if you are dating a man who is breathing or who in any way has a pulse, then there is a chance that he is going to cheat on you.

Why stay loyal when there is Tinder, Snapchat, and endless possibilities for meeting sexy new people? He could be cheating THIS VERY SECOND!! But don’t FREAK OUT;

Instead be prepared to heed the warning signs of a partner who is cheating so that you can nip this naughty behaviour in the bud.

 15 Red Flags

1. His name is Chad and he has a man-bun.
2. He doesn’t respond to your messages in a timely manner, even though it’s 2018 and everyone is glued to their phone every single minute of every single day.
3. He starts buying you flowers and gifts for no reason… wait, no, this part I’m ok with.
4. He doesn’t ‘like’ every single one of your many (M A N Y) daily social media posts within five minutes of it going up. Heck, he should really have created several fake accounts so that he can like each of your selfies multiple times.
5. He suddenly starts manscaping. If he goes from full bear to barely there with no obvious catalyst, then your spidey senses should be tingling.
6. You matched on tinder eight (8) days ago and he still hasn’t asked you to meet his family yet. This is incredibly suspicious, and the only acceptable excuse is if his whole family was killed by a posse of killer clowns escaped from the circus. And even then, you should be contacting them through a séance.
7. He keeps going on about his ‘personal space’. Why would he need to go to the toilet without you, what is he trying to hide?
8. He suddenly brings out these cool new sex moves that he never did before.
9. He’s secretive about his phone and won’t tell you the passcode. Similarly, he won’t give you the password to his email, or his pin code for his bank accounts so that you can check what he’s spending money on.
10. He’s wearing a shirt you’ve never seen before. Who is he trying to impress? Once you are in a committed relationship new clothes are unnecessary. An old burlap sack is perfectly good for preserving your modesty and protecting you from the elements. Anything else is just being flashy.
11. He continues to use mediums where he might see other women – newspapers, television, the internet. Unacceptable.
12. He tries to leave the house without you. He might come up with weak ass excuses like he has to ‘go to work’ or maybe ‘do the grocery shopping’ or even ‘please untie me, why are you keeping me prisoner like this’. Don’t fall for it, it’s an obvious lie and he’ll probably be straight off to his other woman.
13. He continues to be photographed carousing with one of the high-cheekboned, dead-eyed Hadid sisters, despite you repeatedly tweeting him @zaynmalik asking him to be more respectful of your relationship. (If you’re reading this, call me Zayn xx)
14. He attempts to remove the tracking microchip that you’ve implanted in him.
15. He claims that you are being ‘paranoid’ and ‘psycho’. Don’t fall for it, he is gaslighting you into thinking that YOU are the problem, when the real problem is that he is leaving the house without you, talking to people who aren’t you and not providing you with his log in details for every electronic platform available.

Above all; trust your gut.

I will forever regret not heeding the momentous red flag when my then cheating boyfriend refused to wear the macramé jewelry I lovingly made him at my monthly ladies group crafternoon.

Remember – if he can’t handle you at your clingy and crazy worse…. Then he doesn’t deserve you at your slightly less neurotic best.