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Warning: this is a humorous post. Not suitable for the faints of heart.
For a long time, I have been readying myself for the end of life as we know it.
Like many people, I expected the end to come in the slow creeping stranglehold of global warming, or maybe a violent revolution from the proles, uprising in response to the increasing divide between the wealthy and the impoverished.
My interest in the apocalypse was first piqued by the classic movie Terminator (question – why is this movie not recognised as being the most romantic movie of all time? ‘I came across time for you, Sarah. I love you; I always have’ I mean, I’m already 33 and literally zero (0) people have time travelled for me on the basis of one picture, and let me tell you, I take some great selfies) where machines become self-aware and rise up against humans and Arnold Schwarzenegger runs around naked a lot.
Although judging by the ‘suggestions’ my Netflix account gives me, we have nothing to fear from artificial intelligence anytime soon.
Instead, in a cruel twist of fate, life’s last little laugh at humankind’s expense, it seems our destruction won’t come about with anything so dramatic as an alien invasion, but rather at the hands of a boorish ex-reality TV star who has inexplicably come into power and is now in control of a large nuclear arsenal.
Obviously, the scariest part of all this is that anyone thinks such a heinous hair-do is acceptable in 2018.
There is no point in fighting the inevitable, so in the interests of doing a public service (so selfless, I know) I have put together a list so you can start preparing for the beginning of the end.
Make useful friends
Yah, sure Becky who works in PR is like suuuuuuppppperrr fun, and your Instagram model pal Stacy makes sweet dosh from her #sponsered posts and is also really good at flirting with the barman and getting you free shots when you hit the town.
But do you think they’re going to be any use at all when the nuclear explosion has melted off their amazing contour (as well as half their faces)?
No, what you need to do is start cosying up to people who have real-life skills, as opposed to just being able to write a fire caption on Instagram.
Try making friends with a farmer, a doctor, a mechanic or an explosives expert.
Sure, Friday night post-work cocktails may not be as lit with your new crew, but you’ll be glad you ditched Maddi for MacGyver when the bombs start dropping.
Get used to being icky
Are you one of those people who enjoys all the luxuries in life, such as clean underwear and daily showers?
Well, you’re going to have to free yourself of attachment to such extravagances.
The new luxe will be finding a pair of scissors to cut your own hair with or some jeans without holes in them (probs after pulling them off a dead body).
To begin getting used to your new reality, slowly start to phase out showers and just start wearing the same clothes for weeks on end.
Are you the kind of person who ensures that what you eat will alkalise your body and baulks at the thought of eating non-organic food?
Well, you’re really out of luck then, because just about the only things that are going to survive the nuclear holocaust are twinkies and cans of spam.
Once you run out of tinned goods, you might have to get more creative with your cooking.
Didn’t think leather high heels could be eaten?
Think again. Just boil until tender and enjoy, once the apocalypse has happened that’s about all they will be good for anyway.
Pro tip – get yourself some fat pets. After you run out of spam and shoes, spaniels will fill the void in your stomach nicely.
Work out a lil
As much as I hate to admit it in the new world how amazing your eyebrows look is going to matter less than your ability to outrun hordes of the undead (which is seriously annoying, because my eyebrow grooming game is so strong right now).
Remember you don’t have to run faster than the zombies to get away, just faster than the person next to you (cough *or trip them up*cough).
So start adding some workouts into your daily routine, but don’t let it take up all your spare time.
You will still need to keep to a rigid viewing schedule so you can watch all the cat videos ever made before the internet evaporates completely and all of mankind’s greatest work is lost.
Learn Cool martial arts shit
Forget wasting your evenings learning Spanish, or taking sushi-making classes.
You need to spend your spare time learning some skills that are actually useful.
Archery, samurai fighting, nunchakus, spitting poison darts or the ability to wield a large array of exotic knives are all great skills to have when other starving survivors are trying to help themselves to all the delicious spam you’ve stockpiled.
Us doomsday preppers have a saying
Keep your (useful) friends close, keep your arsenal of weapons closer and don’t forget to fill your bunker with as much spam as you can possibly get.
Good luck with your prep, and if you follow my suggestions maybe I’ll see you on the flipside of Armageddon.