How to Win at Social Media

Making people think you are winning at life, even when you definitely aren’t, is easy if you know how to do it.

I know, adulting is hard. And with the advent of constant social media, we are always being reminded that everyone else has their shit together. But who has time to go out and live life to the fullest, when you could be at home watching Netflix in your favourite food-stained slanket? Thankfully, due to the omnipresence of social media, we no longer have to bow down to Oprah’s gruelling demands that we ‘live our best life’. Nowadays you can just give the impression of living a fabulous life online, which is far less work than actually going out and doing it.

Relationships on social media

If you’re in a relationship – fantastic!! There is nothing like a significant other that you can parade around on social media, and write ‘cutesy’ messages on each other’s walls, so it will really hammer home to all your single friends how miserable and lonely they are, and that they will probably die alone and be eaten by their cats. Even when you are sitting in the same room, make sure you post a message to them online saying how much you love them and how hashtag blessed you are to have them in your life.

Probably the best part about having a long suffering partner, is that every time you go out, you have a personal photographer to take a countless nearly-identical selfies of you, and who knows all your best angles.

Of course, when they get sick of your narcissistic ways and dump you (not that you care, it’s his loss, ammiright?), that’s no reason for YOU to get down in the dumps!! Once you have finished posting a bunch of inspirational quotes about finding yourself, it’s time to go out with the girls on a #girlsnight. This will also involve lots of selfies being taken with all of you pretending to laugh, to ensure you look like you are having the maximum amount of fun. It doesn’t matter if you actually have any fun, as long as you get a pic for insta that everyone agrees on posting, then you can spend the next 90 minutes trying to think of a caption the conveys the insane good times being had #somuchfun before you all go home.

With Social media pretending of winning at life comes so much easier!

Make Everything About You

Is it your friends birthday? Great, post a happy birthday picture to their page of the both of you where you look great and they look…. Well, who cares what they look like, this isn’t about them. A natural or man-made atrocity occurs? Post about it online, make sure you are hashtag sendingprayers. But don’t actually donate money or anything, ain’t nobody got time for that.

Never forget that your followers are basically your fans, and as such want to know every mundane detail of your life, so don’t forget to snapchat everyone when you are ‘making dinner’ or ‘stuck in traffic’.

Make sure you broadcast how you feel at any given time. I’m sure all your followers really want to know that you are ‘feeling sad’ that your order from ASOS didn’t get here on time. If you want to do something that is guaranteed to get a reaction, try posting that you are ‘feeling depressed’ or even just post a depressing quote, then fail to respond to anyone asking if you are ok.

If you are taking someone out for dinner, don’t worry about what kind of food they like, or even what kind of food you yourself enjoy, the only thing that actually matters is if the food is instagrammable or not. Instagrammable food can fall into one of two categories – it can either be crazy healthy (think smashed avocado on sprouted rye bread, with organic heirloom tomatoes and a balsamic reduction sprinkled with super-seeds that have been crushed between the thighs of virgins) or crazy UN-healthy (Think a massive cheeseburger the size of your head, followed by a freak-shake). Don’t actually eat this un-healthy food though, food-porn type pics may prove popular, but excess weight is not. Just take a pic of you pretending to take a giant bite, Victorias-secret-model-style, then throw it in the bin. Sure, your healthy superfood salad might taste like cardboard, but it will photograph really well, and can also be an excellent way to sneak your designer label bag into the shot, or even just have your Audi car keys casually resting next to the plate. This is not an ostentatious display, you are simply inspiring people with your fabulous life.

Cute Accessories

Once you have mastered the basics of social media, and are getting a constant flow of likes, it might be time to level up.

The easiest way to increase your number of likes exponentially is to have a cute accessory, and by that I mean some kind of baby – whether it be human or animal.

If you decide to have a human baby – make sure that you have a cute one. Nobody is going to click ‘like’ on an ugly baby. If like me, you were horribly traumatised by being shown a birthing video in sixth grade and have decided to remain forever barren, a puppy or kitten might be the way to go.

When choosing an animal, the most important thing to consider is not if they are compatible with your living space or how much care and attention they need, the only thing to keep in mind is ‘the cuter the pet, the more likes you’ll get’.

So definetly think something soft and fluffy, rather than scaley and slithery. Because I am expert at this, not only do I have a second hand Labrador (because, is there a single person out there who doesn’t love labs?), he only has THREE LEGS. What kind of heartless person would scroll past a picture of a three legged Labrador without throwing him a like? Nobody, that’s who.

Do I exploit my disabled son to garner more clicks on social media? You bet (I mean, it’s not like he’s actually good for anything else…)