How to Be a Food Wanker

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Warning: this is a humorous post. Not suitable for the faints of heart.

In the early stages of life, food generally consists of whatever is cheap, easy to cook, and might allay a hangover. As you age, your palate usually gets more refined, you might start experimenting with exotic ingredients in the kitchen, maybe even go out to a restaurant that has linen napkins. From there, it is only a matter of time before you morph into a fully-fledged food wanker. Here are some helpful tips to get the process going.

• The first and most important step is to develop an intolerance, or failing that to find a crazy restrictive diet to get fanatical about. Gluten free is so mainstream now, try fructose intolerance, paleo, a nut allergy or maybe quit sugar.

• Only remember your food sensitivity after ordering and consuming your starter. ‘What do you mean my fried halloumi had cheese in it?!?! I’m lactose intolerant.’

• It’s of vital importance that you check-in on social media every time you eat at the latest cool restaurant. If people don’t know you were there, was it even worth the two-hour wait to get a table?

• Only eat out in packs of people who have all different dietary needs, that way the chef will be kept on her toes.

• If you are lucky enough to travel overseas, great!! This means for the rest of your life, every time you eat at a restaurant that serves (insert the name of the country you went to here) food, you can complain how inauthentic it is. ‘What do you mean they serve nachos at the cantina? Nachos aren’t even Mexican’.

• A true foodie will never eat a hot meal. If the food is still warm, that means you haven’t spent nearly enough time taking pics for the ‘gram. If it isn’t Instagram worthy, why are you even eating there?

• Try making some creative changes to the menu, like ordering a dish minus its main ingredient ‘I’m going low-carb at the moment, so can I have the rosti without any potato?’

• Make sure you correct anyone who pronounces an ingredient or dish incorrectly. They may roll their eyes, but they will be secretly grateful that you told them it’s ‘phở not pho’.

• Don’t limit your expert critical appraisal to just your friendship group, make sure you log onto Zomato to do a 500 word write up every time you eat out.

• Go for a cuisine where it will be nearly impossible for them to avoid the ingredient you can’t eat. Allergic to soy? Try Asian. Intolerant to garlic? Italian. Complain to the manager when they tell you there are only two dishes on the menu that are safe for you to ingest without imminent death.

• Never just order a coffee, how basic. Cold drip, single origin, almond milk, or try making up a difficult custom order like half normal coffee-half decaf. If the barista doesn’t hate you, you’re doing it wrong.

After a low-sugar-gluten-free-paleo supper, you’ll probably be starving and your tastebuds will be crying out for some flavour, so a sneaky detour through maccas drive through to pick up a big mac meal is probably on the cards.  But don’t stress, that’s our little secret. Bon appétit!