There are some things that are universally agreed to be good; pizza, puppies, espresso martinis, Law and Order: SVU (seasons one through nine only), chocolate bars that come in the twin share packs so you can pretend you are going to share it with someone else but really eat both pieces yourself, and rounding out the list is the ability to keep on living. Of course, when you have a partner, life isn’t always pizza and puppies. Sometimes they can rub you up the wrong way (of course sometimes they can rub you up the right way yaknowwhatimsayin) and things can get tense to say the least. If you are the kind of moron who continually puts your foot in it, to the point where your partner beating you to death and burying you in the back yard (excellent fertiliser forthe roses, btw) is a very real possibility, then this list could save your life.

I give you – things never to say to your partner if you value your life.

1. Didn’t you just eat?

Yeah I just ate, and I’m frickin hungry so I’m gonna keep on eating. Ask me again and I’m going to hurl this box of Pringles at you. (jks, I would not waste my Pringles in this way). The only appropriate way to question a woman’s hunger is to ask her if she would like seconds.

2. It’s your turn to take the bins out.

I put the bins out once. And ended up with bin juice all over me. It was at this point that I retired from my illustrious putting-the-bins-out career (and the whole cleaning career for that matter) If you wish to keep the peace (and keep on living), just keep your mouth shut and take them out yourself.

3. You’re always watching Gilmore Girls re-runs, let’s put on the (insert generic sport here).

Gilmore Girls is the pinnacle of fast-talking, coffee drinking, sassy ladies. Sport is ZZZzzzzzZZZzzzZZZZZZzzzzz… sorry, what was I talking about?

4. You’re wearing… that?

This one is all about the intonation. You might not be outright saying you don’t like her outfit, but she gets it loud and clear. And is plotting your downfall.

5. Are you on your period?

Sure, hormones might play a small part in a females moods, but you know what? It totally sucks that our uterus sloughs itself every month, we really don’t need to deal with people questioning whether our reactions to things are valid as well. So if you suspect your love may be pre-menstrually inclined, keep it to yourself and come bearing chocolate.

6. I think you’ve had enough to drink.

Wrong. The only person who would say this is the fun police.

7. Don’t you have enough pairs of shoes already?

This is a close cousin of the ‘Don’t you have already have a dress exactly the same?’. The answer is no, whether she currently own three pairs of shoes or has a collection to make Imelda Marcos jealous, the answer will always be no.

8. You’re just like your mother.

Obviously, you know your partner. This may or may not be a touchy subject. And if it is a touchy subject – be prepared for her to go apocalyptic. If you are going to go there, make sure you have a bunker prepared in your back yard, to live out the end of your days.

9. You talk a lot.

The opposite of her talking a lot, is her not talking at all. And trust me, this is bad.

10. No, we don’t need another dog.

What kind of monster are you? I would advise your partner to get out of this relationship for their own sanity. It’s been scientifically proven thatthe only thing better than one dog is two dogs. The only thing better than two dogs is three dogs. And so on and so on ad infinitum.

11. Calm down/you’re acting crazy/you’re overreacting.

If you’ve had enough of life, and have decided that suicide by stupid remark is the way you want to go out, then I suggest saying one of these phrases to an already enraged woman. Maybe all three for maximum effect.

Though I feel like I have given you enough information so that even the most obtuse of the male gender will be able to amend their poorly chosen words before they open their mouths, I dream of a world with complete harmony between the sexes. In light of that, here is a little bit of bonus advice for the man dating a modern woman:

No. – This one is easy. Just say yes.

Replying to texts – turnaround time should be no longer than 20 minutes. And not liking every single one of her social media posts (however cringe inducing they are) is as good as an act of war.

I wish you well.

Let us know in the comments what are the things your partner should never say to you if they value their life.